Call the AppleWatch the iWatch and we will destroy you: a satirical article

This is a satirical article, there was never an interview, and I do not wish to offend anyone.

In the recent release of the AppleWatch series 4 our reports decided to interview both Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, and Phil Schiller, vice president of marketing. This interview was very brief and during it, the two gentlemen stated how tired they were over how much people call the AppleWatch the iWatch. “It is called the AppleWatch you bone heads!” said Tim cook after only 3 minutes into the interview, he later on continuously repeated the words “AppleWatch” Our analysis team found out that he was trying to educate us over how to call the AppleWatch, this information is still uncertain since our research team is made of two people and a gorilla.

After making Mr. Cook relax for some time, he explained how Apple stores, and other Apple companies, have now a new rule. The rule is called “Call the AppleWatch the iWatch and we will destroy you”. This rule makes it so when a person says the words iWatch while close to an Apple worker, the worker has permission to punch said person several times till they say sorry. “This new rule was approved by the UN, giving Apple workers jail free cards when they beat a “rude costumer”, since Apple simply bought it” said Tim Cook with a proud face.

Later on, with the interview of Phil Schiller he stated how unexpected this situation was. He said this was due to how early the mind control symptoms are appearing in AppleWatch users, “We thought our mind control devices were on supposed to activate in about thirty years. This may be due to how people are slaves to our branding”.